5 Ways Parents Accidentally Make Child Anxiety Worse (And What to Do Instead)
You're trying everything, but your child's anxiety keeps getting worse.
You comfort them when they're worried. You answer their anxious questions. You let them skip the situations that scare them. You're being a good, caring parent.
But what if these loving responses are actually making the anxiety stronger?
This is one of the hardest truths about childhood anxiety: our natural parenting instincts–the ones that tell us to protect and comfort our children–can accidentally reinforce anxious behaviors.
The good news? Once you understand how anxiety works, you can change your responses and truly help your child overcome their fears.
Understanding How Anxiety Gets Reinforced by Parents & Caregivers
When your child is crying, clinging, or begging for help, every parenting instinct tells you: make it stop. It's natural to want to protect your child from distress.
But here's what happens: When we consistently remove children from situations that make them anxious, we send the message that those situations must actually be dangerous. Otherwise, why would we rescue them?
This pattern teaches children that:
Their fears are valid and the situation is truly threatening
They can't handle uncomfortable feelings
Avoidance is the solution to anxiety
The result? The anxiety gets stronger over time.
Let's look at the five most common ways parents accidentally maintain or worsen child anxiety (and what to do instead).
1. Accommodation: Letting Your Child Avoid Feared Situations
What It Looks Like
Your child is afraid of elevators, so you always take the stairs together. They don't want to go to a birthday party, so you let them skip it. They cry every morning at school drop-off, so you keep them home.
Why It Backfires
Allowing avoidance provides immediate relief for both you and your child. The crying stops. The tantrum ends. Everyone feels better…temporarily.
But avoidance teaches your child that the feared situation really is dangerous. It confirms their fear and makes them believe they can't handle it.
Example: A child afraid of elevators whose parent always takes the stairs learns: "Elevators must be dangerous, that's why Mom always helps me avoid them."
What to Do Instead
Help your child face their fears gradually, starting with small, manageable steps. This is called gradual exposure.
For elevator fear:
Step 1: Stand near an elevator and watch it open and close
Step 2: Press the button but take the stairs
Step 3: Ride one floor with you
Step 4: Gradually increase floors
Step 5: Eventually ride independently
Key principle: Move at your child's pace, but keep moving forward. The goal is progress, not perfection.
2. Providing Excessive Reassurance
What It Looks Like
Your child asks repeatedly: "Are you sure you locked all the doors?" "Will I be okay at school?" "What if something bad happens?"
You answer every time, trying to comfort them. But five minutes later, they ask again. And again. And again.
Why It Backfires
Constant reassurance might feel helpful in the moment, but it:
Creates a dependency where your child can't feel safe without checking with you
Becomes a bottomless pit–no amount of reassurance is ever enough
Reinforces the belief that their worries are valid and require constant monitoring
The pattern: The more you reassure, the more they need reassurance. It becomes an unhelpful coping strategy.
What to Do Instead
Limit your responses to reassurance-seeking:
Instead of answering the same question multiple times, try:
"I already answered that question. You can handle this uncertainty."
"What do you think?" (Turn the question back to them)
"I'm not going to answer that again, but I believe you can manage this worry."
Provide information once, clearly and neutrally:
"When I leave for work, you'll go to school with Ms. Smith. I will pick you up at 3pm and we'll go to soccer practice."
Use neutral language that states the facts without over-reassuring or catastrophizing.
Praise brave behavior:
When your child manages anxiety without seeking reassurance, praise them specifically: "I noticed you didn't ask me if everything would be okay. That took courage!"
3. Missing Opportunities to Praise Brave Behavior
What It Looks Like
Your child does something anxiety-provoking (like walking into school alone or trying a new food) and you don't acknowledge it because it seems like something they "should" be doing anyway.
Meanwhile, you give lots of attention to anxious behaviors: answering worried questions, comforting during meltdowns, discussing fears.
Why It Backfires
What gets attention gets repeated.
If anxious behaviors get lots of response and brave behaviors get ignored, children learn that anxiety is what brings connection with parents.
What to Do Instead
Notice and specifically praise ANY brave behavior, no matter how small:
"Great job walking into the classroom even though you felt nervous!"
"I'm so proud of you for trying something new at dinner!"
"You calmed yourself down without asking me if everything was okay–that's amazing!"
"Thanks for trying again even though it was hard the first time."
Make brave behaviors impossible to ignore:
Give lots of enthusiastic, specific attention when your child faces a fear or manages anxiety independently. This teaches them that bravery–not anxiety–is what earns your attention and approval.
4. Modeling Anxious Behavior
What It Looks Like
You say things like:
"Be careful! You might fall!"
"I'm so worried about you going to that sleepover."
"I don't know if you're ready for that..."
Or your child sees you avoiding situations that make you anxious, catastrophizing, or expressing excessive worry.
Why It Backfires
Children look to parents to gauge if a situation is safe.
When you act worried or anxious, your child interprets that as: "This situation must be dangerous–even my parent is scared."
Kids learn anxiety partly through observation. If they see you avoiding, worrying excessively, or reacting with fear, they learn those patterns.
What to Do Instead
Model calm, brave behavior:
Take deep breaths in anxiety-provoking situations
Use calm body language and voice
Talk about how you manage your own worries: "I felt nervous about that presentation, so I took some deep breaths and reminded myself I was prepared."
Watch your language:
Instead of: "Be careful! You might fall!" Try: "Take your time. You've got this."
Instead of: "I'm so worried about you!" Try: "I know this feels hard, but I believe you can handle it."
Show confidence in your child:
Your calm demeanor sends the powerful message: "This situation is safe, and you are capable."
5. Intervening During the Anxiety (Instead of Before or After)
What It Looks Like
Your child is having a meltdown about homework, and you jump in to:
Reason with them about why they shouldn't worry
Explain how they can do it
Offer to help them or do it for them
Try to "fix" the anxious feelings
Why It Backfires
When children are in the height of anxiety, they're not receptive to learning or logic. Their nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode.
Intervening during the anxiety:
Reinforces that anxiety needs immediate attention
Prevents your child from learning they can calm themselves down
Sends the message that negative emotions are not okay
What to Do Instead
The best time to teach coping skills is BEFORE or AFTER anxiety (not during).
Before anxiety:
Practice coping strategies during calm moments
Role-play challenging situations
Read books about managing worry together
Create plans for handling anxiety-provoking situations
During anxiety:
Stay calm and model regulated behavior
Give space for your child to work through feelings
Use minimal words: "You're safe. You can handle this."
Avoid excessive attention to the anxious behavior
After anxiety:
Label the emotion: "I could see you felt really worried about your homework."
Praise any brave behavior: "I love how you took deep breaths and kept trying."
Problem-solve together: "Next time, what could you try?"
The Bottom Line
Being a good parent to an anxious child doesn't mean removing all discomfort. It means teaching your child they can handle discomfort.
The most loving thing you can do is:
Help them face fears gradually
Praise brave behavior enthusiastically
Limit accommodation and reassurance
Model calm, confident behavior
Trust in their ability to cope
Change won't happen overnight, but with consistency, you'll see your child grow more confident and capable.
Need More Support?
If you're struggling to implement these strategies or your child's anxiety feels overwhelming, professional support can make a huge difference.
As a child anxiety therapist, I provide parent coaching to help you respond to anxiety in ways that truly help your child build confidence and resilience.
Ready to get started? Schedule your free 15-minute consultation and let's talk about how I can support your family.
Alexis Landa, LMHC. Serving families throughout Florida via online therapy
