The Power of Praise: How to Use Positive Reinforcement Effectively
Quick quiz: How many times did you say "good job" to your child today?
Now here's the real question: Did it change their behavior at all?
Here's why it doesn't work: Your child has no idea what they did right specifically.
"Good job" is kind of like saying “fine” after someone says “how are you?”. It’s an automatic response that’s not very specific or meaningful.
But when you learn to use praise effectively–the way we do in Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)–it becomes one of your most powerful parenting tools. More powerful than time-outs, consequences, or reward charts.
Let me show you how.
Why Positive Reinforcement Works Better Than Punishment
Think about your own behavior for a second.
When your boss only points out what you do wrong, how motivated do you feel? Not very, right?
But when someone notices your hard work and specifically tells you what you did well, you want to do more of that behavior. You feel seen, valued, and motivated.
Your child is no different.
Research shows that positive reinforcement–aka, noticing and praising good behavior–is significantly more effective at changing behavior than punishment or consequences.
Here's why:
It tells children what TO do (not just what not to do)
It strengthens the parent-child relationship (kids want to please parents they feel connected to)
It increases the likelihood children will repeat good behaviors
It makes parenting more enjoyable (you're noticing the good instead of only correcting the bad)
But there's a catch: Most parents were never taught how to praise effectively.
The Problem with "Good Job"
When you say "good job," your child hears:
Generic approval that could mean anything
Background noise without a lot of intention behind it
Something adults say automatically
They don't learn:
What specific behavior you liked
Why it was good
What to do again next time
Bottom line: Generic praise doesn’t lead to behavior change.
Labeled vs. Unlabeled Praise: The Game Changer
In PCIT, we teach the difference between labeled and unlabeled praise. This distinction transforms how effectively you can shape your child's behavior.
Unlabeled Praise (What Most Parents Use)
These are generic positive statements:
"Good job!"
"Nice!"
"You're so smart!"
"I'm proud of you!"
"That's great!"
The problem: Your child doesn't know what specific behavior earned the praise.
Labeled Praise (What Actually Works)
This is specific, descriptive praise that names exactly what the child did right:
"Great job putting your shoes away in the closet!"
"I love how you're using gentle hands with the baby!"
"Thank you for using your inside voice!"
"Excellent sitting still during story time!"
"I noticed you cleaned up all your blocks without being asked. That was very responsible!"
Why it works: Your child knows exactly what behavior to repeat.
How to Make Your Praise Specific and Effective
Formula for Effective Praise:
"I love/I like/Great job/Thank you for" + [specific behavior you want to see more of]
Examples:
Instead of: "Good job cleaning!"
Try: "Thank you for putting all your toys in the bin!"Instead of: "You're being so good!"
Try: "I love how you're sitting quietly while I finish this phone call!"Instead of: "Nice work!"
Try: "Great job using your fork to eat your dinner!"Instead of: "You're such a good sharer!"
Try: "I saw you give your brother a turn with the truck. That was kind sharing!"
The More Specific, The Better
Vague: "Good listening!"
Better: "Thank you for coming the first time I called you!"
Even Better: "I love that you stopped playing and came to the kitchen as soon as I called you. That's excellent listening!"
The more detailed your praise, the more likely your child is to repeat that exact behavior.Here's a powerful concept from PCIT:
Praise the positive opposite of problem behaviors.
What Does This Mean?
If your child constantly interrupts you, don't just correct the interrupting. Actively watch for moments when they're NOT interrupting, and praise it.
Examples:
Problem behavior: Your child grabs toys from siblings
Positive opposite: "I love how you asked nicely for a turn with that toy!"
Problem behavior: Your child runs in the house
Positive opposite: "Great walking so carefully through the living room!"
Problem behavior: Your child whines constantly
Positive opposite: "Thank you for using your regular voice to ask me for that!"
Problem behavior: Your child throws toys
Positive opposite: "I'm so proud of how gently you're playing with your toys!"
Why This Works:
Telling kids "stop doing X" only tells them what not to do. They still don't know what TO do.
When you praise the opposite behavior, you're teaching them the exact replacement behavior you want.
Examples of Effective Praise for Common Situations
During Play:
"I love the tall tower you're building!"
"You're using so many bright colors in your picture!"
"Great job taking turns with those toys!"
"I love how focused you are on that puzzle!"
During Routines:
"Thank you for brushing your teeth without arguing!"
"I noticed you got dressed all by yourself. That's so independent!"
"Great job coming to dinner the first time I asked!"
"I love how you remembered to put your backpack away!"
For Self-Control:
"You were so patient waiting for your turn!"
"I saw you get frustrated, but you didn't yell. Great self-control!"
"Thank you for using your words instead of hitting when you were mad!"
"I love that you asked for help instead of throwing the toy!"
For Following Directions:
"Excellent listening! You followed that direction right away!"
"Thank you for stopping playing as soon as I asked you to!"
"I love that you cleaned up your toys the first time I asked!"
How Often Should You Praise?
Way more than you think.
In PCIT, we recommend parents give 5-10 labeled praises during a 5-minute play session. That's one praise every 30-60 seconds.
Does that sound like too much? I get it. But, here's why it works:
Children need massive amounts of positive attention to feel secure and motivated. When they get it, problem behaviors decrease dramatically.
The Ratio That Changes Everything:
Research shows the ideal ratio is 5 positive interactions for every 1 correction.
Most parents do the opposite–they give 5 corrections for every 1 positive comment.
Start counting today. Notice how often you correct vs. praise. Then flip the ratio.
Using Rewards Strategically
Praise is powerful on its own, but sometimes you need something extra. Here's how to use rewards without feeling like you’re bribing your child.
When to Use Rewards:
For new or difficult behaviors your child is learning
To jumpstart motivation when praise alone isn't enough
For behaviors that require sustained effort (sitting through a restaurant meal, completing homework)
What Makes a Good Reward:
Start small: A high-five, a sticker, 5 minutes of special time, choosing the bedtime book
Match effort to reward: Don't give huge rewards for small behaviors
Phase out over time: Once the behavior is established, reduce rewards and rely on praise
Rewards vs. Bribes:
Bribe: Offered in the moment to stop a tantrum or misbehavior ("Stop crying and I'll give you candy")
Reward: Planned in advance for expected behavior ("If you sit nicely during the haircut, we'll go to the park after")
Example Reward Systems:
Sticker chart: "Every time you get dressed without arguing, you get a sticker. When you have 5 stickers, we'll go to the playground."
Immediate small rewards: "If you clean up your toys right now, we'll have time to read an extra story."
Special privileges: "When you complete your homework without complaining all week, you can choose our Friday night activity."
Important: The Reward Should Never Be Bigger Than the Behavior
Don't offer a trip to Disney for brushing teeth. The reward should be proportionate and sustainable.
Common Praise Mistakes to Avoid
Mistake 1: Praising Too Generically
X "Good boy!"
✓ "I love how you shared your toy with your sister!"
Mistake 2: Adding a "But"
X "Great job cleaning your room, but you missed the closet."
✓ Just praise what they did right. Address the missed part separately, later.
Mistake 3: Praising Only Big Accomplishments
Don't wait for huge achievements. Praise tiny steps in the right direction.
Mistake 4: Praising With Conditions
X "I love when you're nice like this. Why can't you always be this way?"
✓ "I love how gently you're playing with the dog!"
Mistake 5: Not Praising Often Enough
Remember the ratio: 5 positive interactions for every 1 correction.
What If Praise Doesn't Seem to Work?
"I praise my child all the time and it doesn't change anything!"
Here are the most common reasons:
You're Not Being Specific Enough
Remember: "Good job" doesn't work. Your praise needs to be labeled and descriptive.
You're Not Praising Immediately
Praise needs to happen within seconds of the behavior. "I liked how you listened earlier today" is fine, but too late to help create change.
You're Not Praising the Right Behaviors
Make sure you're praising the positive opposite of the problem behaviors, not just random good things (see the examples above).
You're Not Praising Frequently Enough
One or two praises per day isn’t frequent enough.
Your Child Isn't Getting Enough Positive Attention Overall
If your relationship is strained or you're mostly interacting through corrections, praise alone won't fix it. You may need to rebuild the relationship first (this is what the first phase of PCIT focuses on).
Putting It All Together: A Daily Practice
Here's how to make effective praise a habit:
Morning:
"I love how you got out of bed when your alarm went off!" "Great job putting your dirty pajamas in the hamper!" "Thank you for eating your breakfast without complaining!"
During Play:
"You're stacking those blocks so carefully!" "I love the creativity in your drawing!" "Great job sharing those toys with your brother!"
Evening:
"Thank you for coming to dinner when I called you!" "I love how you used your napkin to wipe your face!" "Great job brushing your teeth without me reminding you!"
Goal: At least 20-30 specific, labeled praises per day.
The Bottom Line
Praise is free, it's easy, and it works better than any punishment.
But take care to follow these recommendations:
✓ Be specific
✓Do it immediately
✓Praise the positive opposite of problem behaviors
✓ Do it frequently (way more than you think)
✓Use rewards strategically when needed
When you flip your ratio from mostly correcting to mostly praising, your child's behavior will improve—and so will your relationship with them.
Start today. Right now.
Notice something your child is doing right, and tell them specifically what it is. Then do it again in 5 minutes. And again.
Your child is craving your positive attention. Give it to them, and watch what happens.
Want Help Mastering These Skills?
In Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), I teach you these exact praise skills and coach you in real-time while you practice with your child.
You'll learn:
How to give effective, labeled praise naturally
How to use the positive opposite concept to reduce problem behaviors
How to strengthen your relationship through specific play skills
How to manage challenging behaviors once your foundation is strong
Learn more about PCIT with my Free Guide to PCIT for Parents
Ready to see real changes in your child's behavior?
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation or visit my contact page.
